Green Memorial

It has been a year since Wubba went home. Never would I have imagined that this would be the road that we would be going down. I imagined planning different kinds of events for Lukas. As I wanted to do something special for our Wubba's Angelversary, I asked everyone to join us from their homes in a balloon release. Eddie and I were able to send our balloons although later in the evening.

It was very heartwarming to see the pictures that were sent to us.

Thank you all for being there for us.

January

On the eve of the day that has brought me here, I want to share some pictures.

For Lukas' birthday, we had a great snow storm. Weather conditions made it impossible to do anything. Our poor son was born in the worst time of the year, just like me. Well that would be the only thing that he got from me. As we all know, he is all Eddie.

And as you can't have a birthday without cake. We bought a piece of cake and sang happy birthday to our little boy.

We also lit a candle for him.

As for the anniversary of his return home to our Father, we will be wearing green in his honor. I have associated that color with him because we decorated his nursery with frogs. We will also have a balloon release and sending our angel our love.

Christmas 2009

Christmas is my favorite time of year and not just because I receive gifts. I really like to give gifts more than receiving them. I love the family and friends atmosphere. I love to hang out with them. I love all the hugs that go around. The meals that are prepared with love and then shared. I love to see the smiling faces during conversations of treasured moments and cherishing them.

As I look outside the window and watch the snow fall, I think about how different this year could have been with my very own family. I imagine Eddie and I would be in a frenzy to buy Lukas the perfect gift for an 11 month old going on a year. Who am I kidding? There would be no gift. It would most likely would have been GIFTS. He would have been surrounded by his very large family. He wouldn't have understood the concept of opening a gift but with the help of his many cousins, that would not have been a problem.

But in reality, that is not going to happen.

The decorations and Christmas tree are up. So where do we go from here? I've prayed to God that he help us get through this season somehow.

Then, it was thru a friend that I found a reason to go do some shopping for a special boy. HACEMOS is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization and represents Hispanic/Latino Employee Resource Group of AT&T. Their primary mission is to foster an environment in which people can help each other to succeed professionally, personally, and within the community. They are hosting their 8th annual Toy Drive. I was given the name of a 4 year old boy named Ohn Li. He listed cars, trucks and clothes.

So Black Friday was not so black for me. It gave me a reason to do something for someone who really needs it. I could not have been more happier that day. I was excited to go buy the gift. I was in a giving mood. I could tell that Eddie was happy about doing this as well. As we were going through the store he offered his opinion on what we should get. He made sure there were no flaws. Unfortunately at the time we were shopping, I didn't realize that there was a limit of $20 - $25. So I may have gone a bit over the limit in my excitement.

I thank God for giving that moment. It really did help.

Also I have put together a tree for Lukas. It is filled with angels and an ornament that was given to us last year for Christmas in anticipation to Lukas' arrival.

We received this photo from Carolyn. I loved it. Thank you.

Photos from October 15

Thank you to those who remembered our little boy. Even if you didn't take a picture, it means the world to us.

International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Today we light a candle for our little angels that have gone too soon.

At 7:00 PM tonight, light a candle in honor of your angel or one for those who you know have lost a child.

Just this one small gesture means the world to us because it is knowing that there was a moment that they were remembered even though they are not here.
I will be praying and lighting candles for our angels.

Hugs to all tonight.

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List.

I wish my child hadn't died, I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief, I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me, I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know you might pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice, however, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain.

....BUT…I pray daily that you will NEVER understand.

Copyright © 2008 - 2009 Compassionate Friends.

My Child's Name

Picture by Say It With Flowers

My Child's Name

The mention of my child's name

May bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears

If you are really my friends,

Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.

It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.

d Author Unknown d