I’m nervous. My hands are shaking and my heart is racing and it feels like it will burst. I’m so excited that I want to run. I’m climbing higher and higher. It’s as if I am walking up stairs even though I don’t see any. I see the puffy white clouds and they are pillow-like. They look so peaceful against the sky which is a calming clear blue. As I climb, I see The Gate. It is tall and golden. It sparkles beautifully as the sun reflects on it. A feeling of welcome comes over me so I push open The Gate.
I see children everywhere. They all have tiny white feathery wings and long white robes. They are all running around laughing and playing. Just then, I hear those words I’ve longed to hear, “Mommy”. I turn and there running towards me is Lukas just as I remember him. I open my arms wide and run to him. I lift him up into my arms and kiss him over and over. He laughs. “I love you,” I say in between kisses and tears. “I love you too, Mommy”. He continues to laugh and wipes my tears. Then Lukas says, “Mommy you’re silly”.
I put him down and stare at him. Oh how I’ve waited for this moment. To be able to see and hold him is such a feeling of being whole again. His smile just warms me all over. He wraps his tiny fingers around my finger and pulls my hand. “Come Mommy. Let me show you around. I have lots of friends here. Come I want you to meet them.” I can’t believe that he is walking and talking clear as day as young as he is. I follow him and we walk into a garden full of beautiful bright flowers. It was kind of funny to see grass and flowers growing from clouds. “See here Mommy? This is where we play.”
“That over there is Ella and Sydney. They like to chase butterflies. When they catch them, they kiss them and send them down to their mommies so that their mommies know that they love them.” I look over to watch and see both Ella and Sydney. There they are. These two beautiful little girls with their hair flowing and laughing as they are chasing butterflies in the garden. And over there is Yacob and Benyamin. They are twin brothers. They are always together. Where ever one goes the other goes. Aren't they cute?" He begins to point and name many of the other children there. I begin to think he is just like his Papa. He gets along with everybody. “We all come and play here. Sometimes we turn the sprinklers on and run around in it. That is usually when it rains on Earth. And sometimes we forget to shut it off. So it really rains but God doesn’t get mad at us. He just asks us to pray for all the people that will need our help.”
“I’ve learned to pray Mommy. Let me show you where”. He leads me to another place where there are desks and chairs made out of clouds. There is a beautiful older angel sitting at a desk. “That is my teacher Gabriel. We have class here and he teaches us how to pray, listen, watch over all of the people we love and send them moments of peace.” I asked him, “Moments of peace?” And he says “Yes Mommy. We don’t like to see our loved ones sad. So we send all of them moments of peace like the butterflies that Ella and Sydney catch. We have to learn how to send them.” I begin to understand. “See Nicholas?” There is a little boy cutting hearts out of paper fervently. They are all shapes and sizes. “ He is really cool because he knows how to make them out of anything. He is going to send those to his mommy. Sometimes it takes me a while to learn what kind of moment I can send. So at first you won’t see them but once I get it down, you will know.”
“Mommy, I want you to meet Grandma and Grandpa”. I never got the chance to meet my in-laws. They passed away before I met my husband. So getting to meet them is an honor. “Mommy, this is Grandma and Grandpa” he says as he runs into his Grandma’s arms. They are standing before me in their white robes and white feathery wings; young and beautiful as the day they were married. I can see so much of them in Lukas. “He’s beautiful my dear. He looks just like my son. Please know that he is well taken care of here. He does miss you too but know that we are here to comfort him. We tell him that you will be here one day with him. He knows everyday is one day closer to having you here.”
Just then, my hand feels wet. Quizzically, I look at my hand. There frantically licking my hand is a black and white dog. It is Little One. My brother’s dog is there too. I must have been making a face because Lukas is laughing. “He licks me all the time Mommy. When I came here, that is the first thing he did. I take him to the garden and he plays catch and he runs with me. After that, we get so tired that we fall asleep together. He is so much fun.” I hug Littles. He’s such a loving dog. He warms up to just about everybody.“Uncle Phil takes me fishing Mommy. Sometimes I get bored and start looking for frogs. When I find one, I bring it to Grandma. I have a pet frog. I named him Ribbit because that is how he talks. Isn’t it funny? Want to see him?” But before I can even answer, he is off. My in-laws are giggling. “He is so like my son. He used to bring me all kinds of animals that he found. And he was always frightening me to death with those things.”
Lukas comes back with his pet. And he asked me to hold the little frog. Normally I tell anyone who approaches me with this kind of a request, no. But I want to share this moment with Lukas. He is so excited. He rubs his little finger down the frogs back and introduces the frog to me. “Say hello to my Mommy Mr. Ribbit.” The frog begins to chirp and Lukas says, “See Mommy he said hello to you” “I see you talk to your pet just like Mommy talks to her cats, Kitty and Mookie” “You know Mommy my friend, Azlan, has a cat too. He has a pet lion cub. I told him to name him Cubby. He doesn’t grow much. He stays the same size forever. So he brings him to the garden sometimes too and we let Littles and Cubby play together. Isn’t that cool?”
I begin to hear bells tolling. I turn to the direction in which I hear them. Everyone around me stops. I wonder what is going on. “Mommy we must kneel now and pray”. In confusion, I kneel and pray. I don’t know what I am praying for. My Grandmother appears by my side. “Pray my dear for we have an angel coming to us. Pray so that the family finds comfort in God. We do not know why things happen only He knows”. She holds my hand and we begin to stand. “Come, let us go meet the angel.
Everyone is there; standing around waiting for the angel to arrive. Then I see God. He is holding the angel and crying. I begin to cry too. For I know what that family is going through. And I cannot hold back anymore. “Why?” Everyone turns to face me. “Why did you do that to them? Why did you take their baby away? They say only you have the answers so I’m asking.”
“Come my child”, He says. I sit down with Lukas on my lap. He is waving his arms around like he is boxing and making his famous Popeye face. “I don’t know if I can give you an explanation for that question that will ever satisfy you. This was not a punishment. Trust in me and believe that I love you and that one day you will hold Lukas forever.” I look at Lukas and stare into his eyes. He says, “I love you Mommy. I’m OK. I’ll be waiting here for you and Papa.” “Lukas, I love you.” I kiss his sweet cheeks. The bells begin to toll again. This time they sound like they are screeching. Everything goes black. I open my eyes. I sit up and I am in my bed.
In my dream, I had been in Wubba’s World and he was OK.