Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
At 7:00 PM tonight, light a candle in honor of your angel or one for those who you know have lost a child.
Just this one small gesture means the world to us because it is knowing that there was a moment that they were remembered even though they are not here.
I will be praying and lighting candles for our angels.
Hugs to all tonight.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief, I thank you for both.
I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, or other remembrances from your home.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me, I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
I know you might pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.
I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice, however, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain.
....BUT…I pray daily that you will NEVER understand.
Copyright © 2008 - 2009 Compassionate Friends.
Friday, August 14, 2009
The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears
If you are really my friends,
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.
d Author Unknown d
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I would like to share this link. If you'd like to have a prayer said for someone, you can enter it here and also enter one for yourself. You don't have to enter any website links.
Hilda & Andre and family you are all in my prayers. May God continue to bless you this coming week with a happy healthy baby boy.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
It is funny because there is a town not far from the camp site that is named Paris. Last year we were told that there is an "Eiffel Tower" there. We didn't make it last year. This year we went to check it out. I have never been to France but I can say that Eddie took me to Paris and I've seen the Eiffel Tower. Here is a picture I took.
Friday, June 5, 2009
I see children everywhere. They all have tiny white feathery wings and long white robes. They are all running around laughing and playing. Just then, I hear those words I’ve longed to hear, “Mommy”. I turn and there running towards me is Lukas just as I remember him. I open my arms wide and run to him. I lift him up into my arms and kiss him over and over. He laughs. “I love you,” I say in between kisses and tears. “I love you too, Mommy”. He continues to laugh and wipes my tears. Then Lukas says, “Mommy you’re silly”.
I put him down and stare at him. Oh how I’ve waited for this moment. To be able to see and hold him is such a feeling of being whole again. His smile just warms me all over. He wraps his tiny fingers around my finger and pulls my hand. “Come Mommy. Let me show you around. I have lots of friends here. Come I want you to meet them.” I can’t believe that he is walking and talking clear as day as young as he is. I follow him and we walk into a garden full of beautiful bright flowers. It was kind of funny to see grass and flowers growing from clouds. “See here Mommy? This is where we play.”
“That over there is Ella and Sydney. They like to chase butterflies. When they catch them, they kiss them and send them down to their mommies so that their mommies know that they love them.” I look over to watch and see both Ella and Sydney. There they are. These two beautiful little girls with their hair flowing and laughing as they are chasing butterflies in the garden. And over there is Yacob and Benyamin. They are twin brothers. They are always together. Where ever one goes the other goes. Aren't they cute?" He begins to point and name many of the other children there. I begin to think he is just like his Papa. He gets along with everybody. “We all come and play here. Sometimes we turn the sprinklers on and run around in it. That is usually when it rains on Earth. And sometimes we forget to shut it off. So it really rains but God doesn’t get mad at us. He just asks us to pray for all the people that will need our help.”
“I’ve learned to pray Mommy. Let me show you where”. He leads me to another place where there are desks and chairs made out of clouds. There is a beautiful older angel sitting at a desk. “That is my teacher Gabriel. We have class here and he teaches us how to pray, listen, watch over all of the people we love and send them moments of peace.” I asked him, “Moments of peace?” And he says “Yes Mommy. We don’t like to see our loved ones sad. So we send all of them moments of peace like the butterflies that Ella and Sydney catch. We have to learn how to send them.” I begin to understand. “See Nicholas?” There is a little boy cutting hearts out of paper fervently. They are all shapes and sizes. “ He is really cool because he knows how to make them out of anything. He is going to send those to his mommy. Sometimes it takes me a while to learn what kind of moment I can send. So at first you won’t see them but once I get it down, you will know.”
“Mommy, I want you to meet Grandma and Grandpa”. I never got the chance to meet my in-laws. They passed away before I met my husband. So getting to meet them is an honor. “Mommy, this is Grandma and Grandpa” he says as he runs into his Grandma’s arms. They are standing before me in their white robes and white feathery wings; young and beautiful as the day they were married. I can see so much of them in Lukas. “He’s beautiful my dear. He looks just like my son. Please know that he is well taken care of here. He does miss you too but know that we are here to comfort him. We tell him that you will be here one day with him. He knows everyday is one day closer to having you here.”
Just then, my hand feels wet. Quizzically, I look at my hand. There frantically licking my hand is a black and white dog. It is Little One. My brother’s dog is there too. I must have been making a face because Lukas is laughing. “He licks me all the time Mommy. When I came here, that is the first thing he did. I take him to the garden and he plays catch and he runs with me. After that, we get so tired that we fall asleep together. He is so much fun.” I hug Littles. He’s such a loving dog. He warms up to just about everybody.“Uncle Phil takes me fishing Mommy. Sometimes I get bored and start looking for frogs. When I find one, I bring it to Grandma. I have a pet frog. I named him Ribbit because that is how he talks. Isn’t it funny? Want to see him?” But before I can even answer, he is off. My in-laws are giggling. “He is so like my son. He used to bring me all kinds of animals that he found. And he was always frightening me to death with those things.”
Lukas comes back with his pet. And he asked me to hold the little frog. Normally I tell anyone who approaches me with this kind of a request, no. But I want to share this moment with Lukas. He is so excited. He rubs his little finger down the frogs back and introduces the frog to me. “Say hello to my Mommy Mr. Ribbit.” The frog begins to chirp and Lukas says, “See Mommy he said hello to you” “I see you talk to your pet just like Mommy talks to her cats, Kitty and Mookie” “You know Mommy my friend, Azlan, has a cat too. He has a pet lion cub. I told him to name him Cubby. He doesn’t grow much. He stays the same size forever. So he brings him to the garden sometimes too and we let Littles and Cubby play together. Isn’t that cool?”
I begin to hear bells tolling. I turn to the direction in which I hear them. Everyone around me stops. I wonder what is going on. “Mommy we must kneel now and pray”. In confusion, I kneel and pray. I don’t know what I am praying for. My Grandmother appears by my side. “Pray my dear for we have an angel coming to us. Pray so that the family finds comfort in God. We do not know why things happen only He knows”. She holds my hand and we begin to stand. “Come, let us go meet the angel.
Everyone is there; standing around waiting for the angel to arrive. Then I see God. He is holding the angel and crying. I begin to cry too. For I know what that family is going through. And I cannot hold back anymore. “Why?” Everyone turns to face me. “Why did you do that to them? Why did you take their baby away? They say only you have the answers so I’m asking.”
“Come my child”, He says. I sit down with Lukas on my lap. He is waving his arms around like he is boxing and making his famous Popeye face. “I don’t know if I can give you an explanation for that question that will ever satisfy you. This was not a punishment. Trust in me and believe that I love you and that one day you will hold Lukas forever.” I look at Lukas and stare into his eyes. He says, “I love you Mommy. I’m OK. I’ll be waiting here for you and Papa.” “Lukas, I love you.” I kiss his sweet cheeks. The bells begin to toll again. This time they sound like they are screeching. Everything goes black. I open my eyes. I sit up and I am in my bed.
In my dream, I had been in Wubba’s World and he was OK.