There was a very bittersweet moment the other day. I went back for my follow up check up. It felt odd now to walk through those doors. For this time I was no longer walking through those doors with the fear of something going wrong at this appointment. I already brought my little girl home.
There were two women sitting I the waiting room. One clearly pregnant. She was nice and round. So I'd say she was nearing the end. The other not visibly pregnant. As I walked by I prayed that the visibly pregnant lady gets to bring home her baby. The other feeling I had was sadness that this was going to be the last time I see Dr. T.
Dr. T came in and asked me how things were going. I told her well. She asked if I had any depression. And really as postpartum goes, it is not bad. I told her that I have had crying moments when the little one is not willing to go to sleep at two in the morning. She said that was normal. But truth be told I also have cried when I looked at my little girl and realize she is still here, that God blessed me with her, that Lukas isn't here to meet her and grow up with her. I cry because I want him here so bad but then I would never have met this piece of my heart.
She asked me where she was and I told her she was home with her dad. She made a sad face. I told her that we were still nervous to take her out anywhere. She reassured me that Hayden would be fine. My heart squeezed a little harder. And I only prayed that she was right.
I told her that I had a picture of Hayden for her. It was her announcement in which I included her brother on there. It read
February 7, 2011
8lbs 20 in.
Love E, Mary & Angel Lukas
She read it and smiled. Then the words I longed to hear came out. "I'll put her up on the wall here." Lukas never got the chance to be put up on THE wall. That made my day.