The time is just about here

There was a very bittersweet moment the other day. I went back for my follow up check up. It felt odd now to walk through those doors. For this time I was no longer walking through those doors with the fear of something going wrong at this appointment. I already brought my little girl home.

There were two women sitting I the waiting room. One clearly pregnant. She was nice and round. So I'd say she was nearing the end. The other not visibly pregnant. As I walked by I prayed that the visibly pregnant lady gets to bring home her baby. The other feeling I had was sadness that this was going to be the last time I see Dr. T.

Dr. T came in and asked me how things were going. I told her well. She asked if I had any depression. And really as postpartum goes, it is not bad. I told her that I have had crying moments when the little one is not willing to go to sleep at two in the morning. She said that was normal. But truth be told I also have cried when I looked at my little girl and realize she is still here, that God blessed me with her, that Lukas isn't here to meet her and grow up with her. I cry because I want him here so bad but then I would never have met this piece of my heart.

She asked me where she was and I told her she was home with her dad. She made a sad face. I told her that we were still nervous to take her out anywhere. She reassured me that Hayden would be fine. My heart squeezed a little harder. And I only prayed that she was right.

I told her that I had a picture of Hayden for her. It was her announcement in which I included her brother on there. It read

Hayden Marie
Our Rainbow
February 7, 2011
8lbs 20 in.
Love E, Mary & Angel Lukas

She read it and smiled. Then the words I longed to hear came out. "I'll put her up on the wall here." Lukas never got the chance to be put up on THE wall. That made my day.

Rainbow after the storm

I know the news has been out for a while now that we are expecting another baby, our Rainbow. A child after a loss is named a Rainbow child. You can understand as after a storm hits the beauty of a rainbow brings peace. When you see the rainbow, you know that it is a sign from God that things will be better. After all, HE made that promise to Noah after HE made it rain for forty days and forty nights and HE flooded the earth. As a sign of the covenant God made to Noah that HE would not destroy the earth by flooding it again, God created the rainbow.

The storm that we have weathered tore us down. I know I had my moments when my faith was tested. And now, we have done the clean up. I know I have begun to see that there are things in my life that will never be the same no matter how much I would like to turn back the hands of time. I have come to realize that there are going to still be days when it will be hard. I just have to deal with those days. There are moments that to others may seem like nothing but to me will hurt because they will be moments that I will never have with Lukas. I have learned that there are still people that are uncomfortable with our loss. I have to accept that. I have accepted that the old me will never return.

Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful that we have been blessed. I know that E is too. But, we are now down a path that is familiar yet unknown. It is a very scary one.

We still miss Lukas very much. He is still very much a part of our lives. There is no replacing him. We know he is with us. We know that he is watching from above. I can't wait to find out if he will be getting a little brother or sister although almost everyone has said that it will be a girl. I checked the Chinese calendar and that too has said girl.

So tune in after October 4th to find out which way the odds went.

March of Dimes Walk

After Lukas passed away, all I wanted was to hold my little boy. The pain is still indescribable. I wish there had been another page to that story. Since I don't have him here, I keep trying to find ways to keep his memory alive. It gets harder as the days go by because life continues on for everyone while at times I am stuck. And I just want to do something. I don't have a million dollars to donate to a charity in his name. But, I what I do have are two feet. So on April 25, 2010 I am going to walk in his honor for the March of Dimes. The walk is taking place on the lakefront of Chicago. Hopefully, God will bless us and the weather will be nice since the temperature is never predictable around here.

I'm walking in the March for Babies because it gives hope to the more than half a million babies born too soon each year. The money raised supports programs in the community to help moms have healthy, full-term pregnancies. And it funds research to find answers to the problems that threaten babies.

I know the nightmare of walking out of the hospital with empty arms. Believe me it will never compare to anything you could ever go through. This club is the worst club to be in. So, please help me bring more happy and healthy babies home by either joining my team, With Angels' Wings, (click here) and walk along with me. I would really love to see you there. Or you can also help by making a contribution on my page. I know times are hard and I understand but every little bit adds up.

Green Memorial

It has been a year since Wubba went home. Never would I have imagined that this would be the road that we would be going down. I imagined planning different kinds of events for Lukas. As I wanted to do something special for our Wubba's Angelversary, I asked everyone to join us from their homes in a balloon release. Eddie and I were able to send our balloons although later in the evening.

It was very heartwarming to see the pictures that were sent to us.

Thank you all for being there for us.

January

On the eve of the day that has brought me here, I want to share some pictures.

For Lukas' birthday, we had a great snow storm. Weather conditions made it impossible to do anything. Our poor son was born in the worst time of the year, just like me. Well that would be the only thing that he got from me. As we all know, he is all Eddie.

And as you can't have a birthday without cake. We bought a piece of cake and sang happy birthday to our little boy.

We also lit a candle for him.

As for the anniversary of his return home to our Father, we will be wearing green in his honor. I have associated that color with him because we decorated his nursery with frogs. We will also have a balloon release and sending our angel our love.

Christmas 2009

Christmas is my favorite time of year and not just because I receive gifts. I really like to give gifts more than receiving them. I love the family and friends atmosphere. I love to hang out with them. I love all the hugs that go around. The meals that are prepared with love and then shared. I love to see the smiling faces during conversations of treasured moments and cherishing them.

As I look outside the window and watch the snow fall, I think about how different this year could have been with my very own family. I imagine Eddie and I would be in a frenzy to buy Lukas the perfect gift for an 11 month old going on a year. Who am I kidding? There would be no gift. It would most likely would have been GIFTS. He would have been surrounded by his very large family. He wouldn't have understood the concept of opening a gift but with the help of his many cousins, that would not have been a problem.

But in reality, that is not going to happen.

The decorations and Christmas tree are up. So where do we go from here? I've prayed to God that he help us get through this season somehow.

Then, it was thru a friend that I found a reason to go do some shopping for a special boy. HACEMOS is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization and represents Hispanic/Latino Employee Resource Group of AT&T. Their primary mission is to foster an environment in which people can help each other to succeed professionally, personally, and within the community. They are hosting their 8th annual Toy Drive. I was given the name of a 4 year old boy named Ohn Li. He listed cars, trucks and clothes.

So Black Friday was not so black for me. It gave me a reason to do something for someone who really needs it. I could not have been more happier that day. I was excited to go buy the gift. I was in a giving mood. I could tell that Eddie was happy about doing this as well. As we were going through the store he offered his opinion on what we should get. He made sure there were no flaws. Unfortunately at the time we were shopping, I didn't realize that there was a limit of $20 - $25. So I may have gone a bit over the limit in my excitement.

I thank God for giving that moment. It really did help.

Also I have put together a tree for Lukas. It is filled with angels and an ornament that was given to us last year for Christmas in anticipation to Lukas' arrival.

We received this photo from Carolyn. I loved it. Thank you.

Photos from October 15

Thank you to those who remembered our little boy. Even if you didn't take a picture, it means the world to us.