Christmas 2009

Christmas is my favorite time of year and not just because I receive gifts. I really like to give gifts more than receiving them. I love the family and friends atmosphere. I love to hang out with them. I love all the hugs that go around. The meals that are prepared with love and then shared. I love to see the smiling faces during conversations of treasured moments and cherishing them.

As I look outside the window and watch the snow fall, I think about how different this year could have been with my very own family. I imagine Eddie and I would be in a frenzy to buy Lukas the perfect gift for an 11 month old going on a year. Who am I kidding? There would be no gift. It would most likely would have been GIFTS. He would have been surrounded by his very large family. He wouldn't have understood the concept of opening a gift but with the help of his many cousins, that would not have been a problem.

But in reality, that is not going to happen.

The decorations and Christmas tree are up. So where do we go from here? I've prayed to God that he help us get through this season somehow.

Then, it was thru a friend that I found a reason to go do some shopping for a special boy. HACEMOS is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization and represents Hispanic/Latino Employee Resource Group of AT&T. Their primary mission is to foster an environment in which people can help each other to succeed professionally, personally, and within the community. They are hosting their 8th annual Toy Drive. I was given the name of a 4 year old boy named Ohn Li. He listed cars, trucks and clothes.

So Black Friday was not so black for me. It gave me a reason to do something for someone who really needs it. I could not have been more happier that day. I was excited to go buy the gift. I was in a giving mood. I could tell that Eddie was happy about doing this as well. As we were going through the store he offered his opinion on what we should get. He made sure there were no flaws. Unfortunately at the time we were shopping, I didn't realize that there was a limit of $20 - $25. So I may have gone a bit over the limit in my excitement.

I thank God for giving that moment. It really did help.

Also I have put together a tree for Lukas. It is filled with angels and an ornament that was given to us last year for Christmas in anticipation to Lukas' arrival.

We received this photo from Carolyn. I loved it. Thank you.

Photos from October 15

Thank you to those who remembered our little boy. Even if you didn't take a picture, it means the world to us.

International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Today we light a candle for our little angels that have gone too soon.

At 7:00 PM tonight, light a candle in honor of your angel or one for those who you know have lost a child.

Just this one small gesture means the world to us because it is knowing that there was a moment that they were remembered even though they are not here.
I will be praying and lighting candles for our angels.

Hugs to all tonight.

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List.

I wish my child hadn't died, I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief, I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me, I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know you might pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice, however, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain.

....BUT…I pray daily that you will NEVER understand.

Copyright © 2008 - 2009 Compassionate Friends.

My Child's Name

Picture by Say It With Flowers

My Child's Name

The mention of my child's name

May bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears

If you are really my friends,

Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.

It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.

d Author Unknown d

Tybee Island

As I wonder how I will keep the memory of Lukas alive, it is family that remind me that we are not the only ones thinking of Lukas.

The following photos by Carolyn Yee

Please Pray.

We participate in "Pray for Me... Pray for Others" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to add your prayer request. Join a community of friends who care about you, and hope you will care about them.

I would like to share this link. If you'd like to have a prayer said for someone, you can enter it here and also enter one for yourself. You don't have to enter any website links.

Hilda & Andre and family you are all in my prayers. May God continue to bless you this coming week with a happy healthy baby boy.

Beautiful Aren't They?

I have met some amazing women via Blogger. It is them who have brought me peace in times when it has been hard. Here is another picture of Angel's Wings for Lukas made by Lea. I can not thank her enough for thinking of our little boy. They are beautiful.

Names in the Sand by Carly Marie

I sent the amazing Carly Marie Lukas' name. She writes names of babies who have grown their wings. I love the sunset. It has always been very beautiful to me. She took this picture at sunset in Austrailia. Here is his name at Carly's site with a few words. Thank you Carly.

Lukas' Butterfly By Bree

I want to thank Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella. She has started to make butterflies for those of us who have lost our little ones. It meant to much to me to see that she made a butterfly for Lukas. To know that she thinks of our little Wubba, brings me such joy. Here is her picture. Thank you again so much Bree.

Father's Day 2009

Father's Day was quiet. Eddie was given a tip to fish at. We went to check it out. But you know Eddie, if he has a chance to throw out a line, he will. Wubba was on our minds. We miss him so.

Our Trip to Tennessee.

For our anniversary, we went down to our favorite camping site in Tennessee. It's a KOA in Buchanan. We found this place a few years ago. We normally get a cabin. They are small one room with a few beds in it. It is air conditioned and that is all we because when we go down there and spend all day in the sun all we need is a place to crash.

This year, we had to spend one night in our tent. We've done this before so no biggie, right? Well, we normally go earlier in the year. It is a lot cooler. We were further away from the cabins. I suggested to Eddie that we go a shaded spot in between the trees. As we get out of the car, I get my first of many mosquito bites. I can't even explain the massive attack of mosquitoes. Apparently they have had a lot of rain recently. But, once we were inside the tent, we were fine. We were so glad that it was only one night. Didn't really mind the move. But here is a picture of Wubba and our cabin. A year ago, Wubba was there with us even though at the time we were unaware.

Here is a picture of Eddie doing his favorite past time. Fishing. Yes, this is why we go to Tennessee every year. He loves to fish for Crappies. I must say I do enjoy being out there. It is always a race to see who can catch the first one. It is usually me. ;0) I love watching him in his element. It's cute; especially when he catches a big one. I would have posted one of the big ones but he is trying to get rid of his farmer's tan. So, if I get permission I will post. A funny story from last year. We were out on the water. We had a few fish in our well on the boat. We don't keep them because we don't have a fridge to put them in. So Eddie likes to catch them to give them to other people who really catch them to eat. While we were out there, the "water police" (I'm sure that is not what they are named) came by our boat. He started to chat with us. He asked where we were from. He gave us tips on where to go and what to do. He talked about his computer being down. So were were there for a while. He gave us his card and said good-bye. When we got back to the launch area, Eddie offered the fish to these people who where waiting for someone. They began to measure the fish. There is a size limit on the fish. Last year was a good year so we had a few. As, he is going through the fish he found a few that were under the limit. He told us that if the "water police" stop us. We could have been fined $80 per fish. It was a good thing that the "water police" hadn't checked.

It is funny because there is a town not far from the camp site that is named Paris. Last year we were told that there is an "Eiffel Tower" there. We didn't make it last year. This year we went to check it out. I have never been to France but I can say that Eddie took me to Paris and I've seen the Eiffel Tower. Here is a picture I took.

Wubba's World

I’m nervous. My hands are shaking and my heart is racing and it feels like it will burst. I’m so excited that I want to run. I’m climbing higher and higher. It’s as if I am walking up stairs even though I don’t see any. I see the puffy white clouds and they are pillow-like. They look so peaceful against the sky which is a calming clear blue. As I climb, I see The Gate. It is tall and golden. It sparkles beautifully as the sun reflects on it. A feeling of welcome comes over me so I push open The Gate.

I see children everywhere. They all have tiny white feathery wings and long white robes. They are all running around laughing and playing. Just then, I hear those words I’ve longed to hear, “Mommy”. I turn and there running towards me is Lukas just as I remember him. I open my arms wide and run to him. I lift him up into my arms and kiss him over and over. He laughs. “I love you,” I say in between kisses and tears. “I love you too, Mommy”. He continues to laugh and wipes my tears. Then Lukas says, “Mommy you’re silly”.

I put him down and stare at him. Oh how I’ve waited for this moment. To be able to see and hold him is such a feeling of being whole again. His smile just warms me all over. He wraps his tiny fingers around my finger and pulls my hand. “Come Mommy. Let me show you around. I have lots of friends here. Come I want you to meet them.” I can’t believe that he is walking and talking clear as day as young as he is. I follow him and we walk into a garden full of beautiful bright flowers. It was kind of funny to see grass and flowers growing from clouds. “See here Mommy? This is where we play.”

“That over there is Ella and Sydney. They like to chase butterflies. When they catch them, they kiss them and send them down to their mommies so that their mommies know that they love them.” I look over to watch and see both Ella and Sydney. There they are. These two beautiful little girls with their hair flowing and laughing as they are chasing butterflies in the garden. And over there is Yacob and Benyamin. They are twin brothers. They are always together. Where ever one goes the other goes. Aren't they cute?" He begins to point and name many of the other children there. I begin to think he is just like his Papa. He gets along with everybody. “We all come and play here. Sometimes we turn the sprinklers on and run around in it. That is usually when it rains on Earth. And sometimes we forget to shut it off. So it really rains but God doesn’t get mad at us. He just asks us to pray for all the people that will need our help.”

“I’ve learned to pray Mommy. Let me show you where”. He leads me to another place where there are desks and chairs made out of clouds. There is a beautiful older angel sitting at a desk. “That is my teacher Gabriel. We have class here and he teaches us how to pray, listen, watch over all of the people we love and send them moments of peace.” I asked him, “Moments of peace?” And he says “Yes Mommy. We don’t like to see our loved ones sad. So we send all of them moments of peace like the butterflies that Ella and Sydney catch. We have to learn how to send them.” I begin to understand. “See Nicholas?” There is a little boy cutting hearts out of paper fervently. They are all shapes and sizes. “ He is really cool because he knows how to make them out of anything. He is going to send those to his mommy. Sometimes it takes me a while to learn what kind of moment I can send. So at first you won’t see them but once I get it down, you will know.”

“Mommy, I want you to meet Grandma and Grandpa”. I never got the chance to meet my in-laws. They passed away before I met my husband. So getting to meet them is an honor. “Mommy, this is Grandma and Grandpa” he says as he runs into his Grandma’s arms. They are standing before me in their white robes and white feathery wings; young and beautiful as the day they were married. I can see so much of them in Lukas. “He’s beautiful my dear. He looks just like my son. Please know that he is well taken care of here. He does miss you too but know that we are here to comfort him. We tell him that you will be here one day with him. He knows everyday is one day closer to having you here.”

Just then, my hand feels wet. Quizzically, I look at my hand. There frantically licking my hand is a black and white dog. It is Little One. My brother’s dog is there too. I must have been making a face because Lukas is laughing. “He licks me all the time Mommy. When I came here, that is the first thing he did. I take him to the garden and he plays catch and he runs with me. After that, we get so tired that we fall asleep together. He is so much fun.” I hug Littles. He’s such a loving dog. He warms up to just about everybody.“Uncle Phil takes me fishing Mommy. Sometimes I get bored and start looking for frogs. When I find one, I bring it to Grandma. I have a pet frog. I named him Ribbit because that is how he talks. Isn’t it funny? Want to see him?” But before I can even answer, he is off. My in-laws are giggling. “He is so like my son. He used to bring me all kinds of animals that he found. And he was always frightening me to death with those things.”

Lukas comes back with his pet. And he asked me to hold the little frog. Normally I tell anyone who approaches me with this kind of a request, no. But I want to share this moment with Lukas. He is so excited. He rubs his little finger down the frogs back and introduces the frog to me. “Say hello to my Mommy Mr. Ribbit.” The frog begins to chirp and Lukas says, “See Mommy he said hello to you” “I see you talk to your pet just like Mommy talks to her cats, Kitty and Mookie” “You know Mommy my friend, Azlan, has a cat too. He has a pet lion cub. I told him to name him Cubby. He doesn’t grow much. He stays the same size forever. So he brings him to the garden sometimes too and we let Littles and Cubby play together. Isn’t that cool?”

I begin to hear bells tolling. I turn to the direction in which I hear them. Everyone around me stops. I wonder what is going on. “Mommy we must kneel now and pray”. In confusion, I kneel and pray. I don’t know what I am praying for. My Grandmother appears by my side. “Pray my dear for we have an angel coming to us. Pray so that the family finds comfort in God. We do not know why things happen only He knows”. She holds my hand and we begin to stand. “Come, let us go meet the angel.

Everyone is there; standing around waiting for the angel to arrive. Then I see God. He is holding the angel and crying. I begin to cry too. For I know what that family is going through. And I cannot hold back anymore. “Why?” Everyone turns to face me. “Why did you do that to them? Why did you take their baby away? They say only you have the answers so I’m asking.”

“Come my child”, He says. I sit down with Lukas on my lap. He is waving his arms around like he is boxing and making his famous Popeye face. “I don’t know if I can give you an explanation for that question that will ever satisfy you. This was not a punishment. Trust in me and believe that I love you and that one day you will hold Lukas forever.” I look at Lukas and stare into his eyes. He says, “I love you Mommy. I’m OK. I’ll be waiting here for you and Papa.” “Lukas, I love you.” I kiss his sweet cheeks. The bells begin to toll again. This time they sound like they are screeching. Everything goes black. I open my eyes. I sit up and I am in my bed.

In my dream, I had been in Wubba’s World and he was OK.

Fifth Anniversary

Today is our fifth wedding anniversary. The only thing that could make this more perfect would be to have Lukas here. We know that he is watching over us.

Spain

These photos were taken in Spain

by Uncle Will.

Don Cesar Resort - St. Pete's, FL

These photos were taken by Auntie Carolyn